Somewhere around the age of 18 I thought that the "American Dream" was to have a house, a wife, a couple of kids, good job, a good car, and a good dog. That was my desire; the anchor for life in my heart. Not so unusual for a kid of 18 who was ready to tackle the world (at least in my mind I was).
Life at home was not the least bit exciting and the hormones of young manhood were setting the pace for me to leave home, find some adventure, grow up, become a man, get on with "Life". So I joined the Marine Corps and I promptly received my first of many attitude adjustments there.
I met my first "Love" about 18 months later just shortly before going overseas to Okinawa and and then to Viet Nam (another attitude adjustment). The "Dream" was still very much a part of me when I left for my tour of duty and I wrote my girl faithfully for several months. However, attitudes have a way of changing. Distance and war have a way of dissolving or re-routing dreams. We stopped writing so much after about six months.
When I got back I still had the "Dream" in the back of my mind, but now, it just didn't include, her. In a few short weeks I came to realize the truth of our relationship was not based on love but on her desire to have a "service man", preferably a Marine. Anyone would do. She was attracted to the military benefits and base PX privileges, and "love" was just an option, not a necessity. The relationship ended, I believe, because it was not blessed by God. Though I did not yet know nor had a personal relationship with Jesus, he still watched over me and protected me.
I found out years later that she had two kids, weighed close to 190# and was divorced. Their marriage lasted only as long as his hitch in the service...about three years. She just wanted the 'privileges and benefits', and not him. At the time I got out of the service I was 23.
The "dream" was still within me up to about age 30. I had several more "love" relationships. Some lasting a couple days or weeks, and one even lasted for two years. Each time I was looking for that "right someone" to come into my life and complete me. My "dream" would come true...some day. I had hope! I had resolve.
Hurt as I was, I still had not reached the bottom, yet! I attempted to escape the pain through writing poetry, and searched for my "spiritual self". Who was this guy 'Austin', what good was I for anybody or anything. I was in a barren desert all alone.(Notice the self pity)
It was a slow road to recovery from the terror and torture that I had put myself through, but I was recovering (or so I thought). In my vulnerable state I eventually started seeing a friend's wife. (she actually came to me in my state of vulnerability) It was a strange relationship, to say the least. He knew about it. He didn't approve, nor did he disapprove of it. The three of us almost lived together at one point. They had more of a weird 'friendship' than a marriage. I was a new 'lover' in her life. Just one of a bizzare string of lovers that had no end, it seems. She took advantage of my already tortured heart and established a relationship with me that I promptly fell in to head first. It was wrong from the beginning and had no future, but I was just too blind to see it. I thought I had, and sought after, another chance that maybe the "Dream" was not dead after all.
That relationship lasted for just over a year. It has been too long to remember everything. As I had mentioned, I was just one of the tokens on her bizzare string of relationships, and the string continued. There was a lot of jealousy between us. It was alright for her to go out with someone else to "dinner"(so she said) and yet it was wrong for me to go dancing anywhere by myself. She had me wrapped around her little finger and her siren nails clawing at my heart. My self esteem was sinking lower and lower. I was coming to an end. I couldn't sleep nights and I hurt all day. I didn't know how to get out of the relationship...but then, I really wasn't sure if I wanted out. I was confused. I was tearing myself apart with anger and sadness at the same time. I started reviewing my past with remorse and sadness, and as for the future, I could see none. I was at an end. I finally hit the bottom in my emotional existence and wanted an end to it all. I was giving up.
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