Somewhere around the age of 18 I thought that the "American Dream" was to have a house, a wife, a couple of kids, good job, a good car, and a good dog. That was my desire; the anchor for life in my heart. Not so unusual for a kid of 18 who was ready to tackle the world (at least in my mind I was).
Life at home was not the least bit exciting and the hormones of young manhood were setting the pace for me to leave home, find some adventure, grow up, become a man, and get on with "Life". So I did what every red-blooded, enrgetic young american male should do, I joined the Marines! It was at this important and delicate stage in my life when I received my first, (and probably the most severe) of many, attitude adjustments. Oh Yeah!!
I met my first "Love" about 18 months later just shortly before going overseas to Okinawa and and ultimately to Viet Nam (that was another attitude adjustment). The "American Dream" was still very much a part of me when I left for my tour of duty and I wrote my girl faithfully for several months. However, distance and war have a way of changing attitudes and dissolving or re-routing dreams. We stopped writing so much after about six months but I think it was mostly me who slowed the pace.
When I got back I still had the "Dream" in the back of my mind somewhere, but now, it just didn't include, her. In a few short weeks I came to realize the truth of our relationship. It was not based on love but on her desire to have a "service man", preferably a "Marine" and all the privilagesAnyone would do. She was attracted to the military benefits and base PX privaleges that went with it. Love in a relationship was just an option, not a necessity. Our relationship ended abrutly with me saying it wasn't right for me! Later in life I knew it ended because it was not blessed by God. Though I did not yet know nor had a personal relationship with Jesus, he still watched over me and protected me all through my life.
I found out years later that she had two kids, weighed close to 190# and was divorced. Their marriage lasted only as long as his hitch in the service (about three years). At the time I got out of the service I was 23.
The "Dream" was still with me up to about age 30. I had several more "love" relationships. Some lasting a couple days or weeks, and one even lasted for two years. Each time I was looking for that "right someone" to come into my life and complete me. My "dream" would come true...some day. I had hope! I had resolve.
Hurt as I was, I still had not reached the bottom, yet! I attempted to escape the pain through writing poetry, and searched for my "spiritual self". Who was this guy that I saw in the mirror? What good was I for anybody or anything? I was in a barren desert all alone and dying because my thirst for love gave me sand to drink.(Notice the self pity!)
It was a slow road to recovery from the terror and torture that I had put myself through, but I was recovering (or so I thought). In my state of vulnerability, I eventually started seeing a friend's wife. (she actually came on to me). It was a strange relationship, to say the least. He knew about it and he didn't approve, nor did he disapprove. The three of us almost lived together at one point. They had more of a weird 'friendship' than a marriage. I was a new 'lover' in her life. Just one of a bizzare string of lovers that seemed to have no end. She took advantage of my already tortured heart and established a relationship with me that I promptly fell in to head first. It was wrong from the beginning and had no future, but I was just too blind to see it. I thought I had another chance at the "Dream" and was not dead after all. What I realized later is the fact that when you are most vulnerable, that is when the devil has the most influence in your life and will attack relentlesly.
That relationship lasted for less than a year. It has been too long to remember everything. As I had mentioned, I was just one of the tokens on her bizzare bracelet of relationships, and her bracelet continued to gather charms. There was a lot of jealousy between us. It was alright for her to go out with someone else to "dinner"(so she said) and yet it was wrong for me to go dancing anywhere by myself. She had me wrapped around her little finger and her siren nails clawed at my heart. My self esteem was sinking lower and lower. I was coming to an end. I couldn't sleep nights and I hurt all day. I didn't know how to get out of the relationship...but then, I really wasn't sure if I wanted out. I was confused. I was tearing myself apart with anger and sadness at the same time. I started reviewing my past with remorse and sadness, and as for the future, I had no hope. I was at an end. I finally hit the bottom in my emotional existence and wanted an end to it all. I was giving up. My mind and heart were stripped clean and I was in the middle of a wasteland. I wanted to run away...disapear. I was thirty years old and I was seeking a new beginning!
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